That's life

February 18, 2013

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 05:54:00 -0500

UPDATE.

okay, so first off, I’m getting pretty annoyed with the group. They’re so loud and obnoxious and people always give us bad looks because of that, and it’s getting irritating. I mean, I tolerated their excitement for a long time, but that day they left my duffle on Carlene’s bench, my bottle just exploded. I snapped at them, and I’ve noticed that I still have some hard feelings against them. I feel bad because I’m caring about what other people think and I know that’s bad, but I just can’t help it, you know? It’s human nature to want to be loved. So I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna hang out with you guys anymore.

Second, more into my love life. lol not really my love life because I don’t have one, but more into boys.
So, there’s this guy named Joel who’s a senior and my brother’s friend. We’re pretty cool and stuff. Then one day, Glyssa tells me that her sister overheard Joel and his friends talking about stuff, and she hears my name. She hears, “You know Ray’s sister, Reggie? Man, Reggie’s really pretty.” OMG. And the day before that during track practice, he kept calling me “wife”. Like he would say, “hey guys, here’s my wife. Reggie’s my wife.” omg . hahahaha but it’s pretty weird since he’s my brother’s friend. LOL. But honestly I don’t see this going anywhere so no worries. :)
Next. Today, Bernadine, Aura, and I hung out with the other freshmen in D Building with the Untalan boys, the girl jocks, and the Agueda kids. When we were there, I notice Kaleo and Kristian looking at me and whispering to each other. So I went up to them and go “WHAT. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT.” lol. Then they tell me to go closer since it’s a “secret.” They tell me that I’ve gotten really pretty (aw) and that in the next years when I get prettier (aww again), they want me to not forget them and don’t be strangers. WTF. um, why is it only now you want to be friends with me? Especially you, Kristian. You know I liked you last year and you only give a damn about me now? When you claim that I got prettier? Um, excuse me? How about no.
Then lastly, Kenneth! Okay so, I came out honest with him and told him that I don’t have money to pay for the military ball, and he said he’ll pay for me. Oh, only now when I say I don’t have money? lol it’s okay I’m not mad. You’re actually really nice and it’s so cool how we both want to be pediatricians/children nurses!! wow! hahaha.

okay so that’s all I can think of right now.

January 11, 2013

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 06:02:15 -0500

But lately I’ve been feeling a tad bit depressed. Like sometimes I would just feel all moody and gloomy, and I wouldn’t even know why. Like today during 5th and 6th period. I was just sad and quiet all of a sudden, and when Glyssa noticed and asked why, I didn’t know what to say. That’s because I don’t even know the reason myself.

I don’t know, man. I feel like there’s just something in my life that’s missing. Something that will make me a happier person. Something that will make me laugh and smile. Something that will also be my anchor and keep me sane. But maybe it’s not a something I’m looking for. Maybe it’s a someone.

But no, I promised myself that I would lay low on boys because I just don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t wanna risk it. I just wish I could find something that will make me happy. I know I joke around and make fun a lot, and today was just really out of my character, or at least the character everyone else sees, because deep down I’m a sad child. I’m just sad and tired of everything and everyone. I’m tired.

January 11, 2013

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 05:54:00 -0500

So it’s been more than two months, and I’m proud to say I’m getting there. I’m not completely over you, though, because I still check up on you but that’s it. I don’t think about the past anymore. I don’t think about the memories we had. I don’t think about the conversations we had. I don’t think about the laughs we had. I don’t think about them anymore because I know that better things are waiting for me if I just keep going. If I don’t look back. I just know it.

December 14, 2012

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 07:21:00 -0500

You’re everywhere now. You’re on twitter, tumblr, facebook, and now, instagram. I can’t get away from you. And perfect timing, huh? Right when we’re over, you decide to put more effort in being active online. Nice move.

I just really can’t handle you moving on already. I see you liking her photos, reblogging stuff obviously meant for her, I see you trying to get her. And not me. I’m just so tired and sad. I’m just so tired and sad at everything and I just want it all to stop. I don’t even want to like the things I liked when I was with you. Like (500) Days of Summer, zombies, Cameron Mitchell, track & field, everything. Everything we used to share because they just remind me too much of you and I’m trying to forget you. But you’re everywhere. Why now? Why now, when everything is over and done with, and when I want to forget everything?

Ugh, can’t even collect my thoughts at the moment. Whatever.

December 10, 2012

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 17:03:00 -0500

You like Celia.

No. No no no no no. But I don’t understand. Why. How. When.
It literally hurt me when I found out. Like there was this big emptiness in my stomach, the feeling I usually get when I find something out that hurts. My heart immediately broke when I found out. It was already broken, but now it’s just shattered into so many pieces and I don’t think I can put them all together anymore. I’m sorry but I just can’t handle you liking another person. I can’t handle the fact that you may fall in love with somebody else. That you might fall in love with someone who could make you smile bigger than I can, someone who can make you laugh louder than I can. Someone who could make you write better letters to than I can. Someone who could make you happier than I can.

I know I’m being selfish, inconsiderate, and hypocritical here, but I don’t want you to stop loving me. I don’t ever want this thing for us to go away. I want you to love me forever and tell me you do. I know I’m being selfish, but that’s just who I am. I’m selfish with love. I want all of it. I just don’t want you to move on so fast. Because I can’t. Yeah, I talk to other guys, but at the end of the day, you’re still all I think about. I think about how your day went, about the work you did, the jokes you laughed at. I think about you. And I still do. I know I’m not showing it, because I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to let you know that I’m okay and happy, and you should be too. Maybe I should live up to my words. If she makes you happy, then I have no right to keep you from liking her. I have no right to keep you from being happy.

But I just can’t see how you replaced me so easily. I should have probably gotten used to it, though. I’m always replaced so fast. And there’s no one to blame but myself.

December 05, 2012

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 18:31:00 -0500

It’s 9:26 on a Wednesday morning and I’m missing you. I’m missing you like crazy. I miss you so much. It’s still morning, and I usually only feel sad at night, so I know that I surely miss you. I don’t know if it’s just hormones or pms, but I’ve been missing you ever since that night almost a month ago. Wow, a month without you. It didn’t even feel like a month. It just felt like a disarranged set of days and weeks that made no sense because I didn’t have you with me to make sense of it all. I felt so lost. But I’m getting back. I getting my mind set back and I’m doing it. I’m getting through. I miss you, though. I miss you a whole lot. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. Just know that you’ll always be in my heart, I’ll always love you. I hope you’re doing well. And I hope you miss me too.

December 02, 2012

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 00:08:38 -0500

The happiest smiles hide the saddest eyes.

So I was reading Katrina’s private blog, and wow. I would have never thought she was that unhappy with herself. I would have never thought how difficult life is for her. I didn’t really see the dates the posts were made, though. I know I shouldn’t be snooping around, but I was just compelled to read it. It made me realize that even the happiest people can be the saddest ones. That’s why they’re so happy around people. They don’t want others to feel the sadness they feel. They don’t want others to know how they really are, and they don’t want people to worry about them. It just makes me sad how a simple smile can hide so much. Katrina was one of the happiest people I knew. And now that I know a bit more about her, makes me wonder about everyone else I know. Not to be narcissistic or whatever, but I kind of already identify myself as open-minded and compassionate. But her blog made me realize more of myself and other people. It’s just…. wow.

December 01, 2012

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 07:16:00 -0500

“One of the worst moments in life is probably when you’re in a room full of people and you look around and see them all talking and laughing and all of sudden you feel so sad and lonely that you can even feel a physical pain in your chest because you realize that they all belong to someone and they all have someone who belongs to them and you don’t, you’re just kind of there.”

I felt like that today. So today was the SB fiesta, and I felt so alone. Even Gomez said so. He noticed that I was just standing by myself behind the table, all quiet and stuff, looking so lonely. Abigail and Elaine were even right next to me talking amongst themselves. Gomez was saying how I’m such a loner and how my friends always ditch me. Well to think of it, yeah, they always do. In the 5k, I was alone. In the church before confirmation classes start, I was (mentally) alone too. And now today, I was alone once again. I feel so lonely and abandoned. I was ignored by the people who I call my best friends. Whenever I was with them, I didn’t even feel acknowledged or noticed. I didn’t want to say anything because it was Vivian’s birthday and I didn’t want to be a party pooper. But I felt pathetic. I’ve been feeling that way lately. That feeling of being so alone. I have no one. No one to go to whenever I need guidance, advice, or someone I can just really talk to. No one.

So towards the ending of the fiesta, I decided to just hang out with Nikki and her friends because hey, at least THEY notice me and actually talk to me. They joined me into their conversations and acknowledged my presence. I didn’t even know them that much, but I felt like I did. Ian even let me bite a piece off his cake, and Kenneth even hugged me bye when he was leaving! They even all said bye to me when I was leaving. Wow, now there’s some nice people who I look for. People who make me feel accepted and like I belong. I really need those kind of people right about now.

November 29, 2012

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 18:07:00 -0500

Time to delete everything. Time to throw everything away. Time to let go. Time to move on.
Now it’s time for me. Time to make myself happy. Time to work harder in school. Time to take extra care of my hygiene. Time to read more books. Time to participate more. Time to start working out again. Not doing it for you, but for me. It’s time to finally have confidence in myself without you.

November 22, 2012

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 07:08:00 -0500

November 22, 2012

November 18, 2012

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 08:23:18 -0500

Why did I even say those things. If I had the opportunity to go back in time and re-do that Wednesday night all over again, I’d take it in a heartbeat. I should have never let you go.

November 18, 2012

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 08:21:32 -0500

It could have been our one year friendaversary today. Remember last year? When you just said “hi” to me out of nowhere. When we just started talking, and we just instantly clicked. I even told you something very personal to me on the second day we started talking. We then had endless conversations, silly nicknames, lame puns, honesty hours, 20 questions, our jars, our bucket lists, pinky promises, stories of our days, ranting and ventings, everything. We had everything. Now, a year later, we have nothing. Not one word was said to each other since the night we let each other go. Not one word.

You don’t know how much I miss you.

November 18, 2012

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 08:16:00 -0500

You said you’d never leave. You said you’d never let us drift apart. You said you’d never let anything get in between us. You said you’d never stop loving me.

but you did.

November 15, 2012

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 08:20:00 -0500

Could have been 8 months.

But we’re still not even talking.

November 14, 2012 The message I never had the guts to send.

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 07:36:25 -0500

November 14, 2012

The message I never had the guts to send.

November 09, 2012

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 03:49:00 -0500

I cried so much today. I’m even crying right now. I was so out of it today at school. I broke down when Glyssa and Savana noticed this morning that I looked sad. I broke down again when I had to tell Bernadine. I can’t. I can’t do it.
I can’t help but think that it’s all wrong. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. We’re not supposed to drift away. It’s all my fault. I let the stresses of my schoolwork get the best of me. I let them tear us apart. I let my negativism win. I let you leave…
It’s all my fault.

November 08, 2012

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 08:20:46 -0500

fuck man, I swear November is my month of breakups.

November 08, 2012

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 08:18:00 -0500

I guess this is it. It’s done. I’m sorry.

Photo

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 09:26:46 -0400

November 02, 2012

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 21:55:00 -0400

All Souls Day today. Gosh I miss you so, so much Lolo. I know we really didn’t spend much time together, but I really wish we did. I really wish I had a closer connection to you. I really wish I was there with you when you were on your hospital bed, almost ready to see the Lord. You know, whenever I think of you, I have this faint image of us in a car ride to Makati. It was late at night, we were all tired. I was leaning against you, feeling your chest rise in the rhythm of your breathing. I fell asleep in your arms and it felt like the absolute best feeling in the world. I don’t even know if it was actually a real memory or just a figment of my imagination, but I know that whenever I recall that moment, I start tearing up. I start tearing up because if that moment was imaginary, we would never have that moment. And if it was real, we would never have that moment again. I miss you so much. We all miss you so much. You may be gone now, but you’ll always be in our hearts. Always and forever. I can’t wait to see you again up in heaven. Rest in paradise, Gramps. See you later.